If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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