And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
