Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
