So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
