My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
