She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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