If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
