I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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