dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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