You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize