I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
