I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
