i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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