Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
