i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need a beard to bite.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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