I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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