I'm eating all of the evidence.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
