theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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