dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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