Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
