Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
