I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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