I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
