I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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