Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
