Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
