Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
