yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
