apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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