I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
