4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
