Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
