farters have to be the big spoon...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
