so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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