Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
