I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
