Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
