Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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