so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
