Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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