Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
