today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Boobs speak an international language.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize