My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
