Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
