Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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