I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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