I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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