phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
