Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
