So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
