if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
