Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
