You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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