A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
