i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
