My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The beer is more important than you right now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
