I will die if light touches me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
