Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
