Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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