i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
