Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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