i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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