Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
