about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
