The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
